Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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