Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
