i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
