Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
