Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I did not marry a roomba.
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