apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
