dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
