You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i drank out of a bidet.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
