I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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