My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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