Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
