if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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