Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
