I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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