kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
