Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Oh god it's open bar.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
