we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
