My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
