i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
