you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
