The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
