You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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