woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
