I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
