I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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