Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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