Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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