I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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