Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
