sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
