remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
