Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
