'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
