i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
