Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
