she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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