Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
