Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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