life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize