I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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