just survived the first fart of the relationship.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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