She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
