So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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