Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She's the barista slut.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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