my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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