I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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