Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
