batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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