Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
