I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
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She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
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You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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