hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
