I think my vagina is haunted
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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