My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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