i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
