Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
