hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
